Caved

I've been avoiding this space; avoiding myself, really.

It was a total of two and a half days before I caved-- I had committed to eating only vegan foods for a month, but I ate crab, shrimp and shellfish one night because I didn't want to feel deprived. The next day, I had sushi-- mostly because I was busy justifying the seafood from the night before to myself. I don't regret those choices, but I am trying to learn from them.

Long-term, I believe that the only way for me to reconcile my health and my food choices involves being moderate in many things-- likely eggs, cheese, ice cream, and fish. But for now, I'm not in that space. I haven't been able to conquer those cravings yet, so am trying to do so by giving them up for a month. After that month, I'll check in with myself and see where I stand. But for now, I am giving it 31 complete and full days. No more excuses, rationalizations or changes of mind. It's only 31 days.

Thanks for hanging in with me; I hope you'll stick around.

Do I eat it, or not?

Okay-- very little time tonight. So there's a food update, and a conundrum. Your input is needed, and appreciated. :)

Breakfast: Amy's Tofu Scramble with Hash Browns and Roasted Veggies; banana; coffee with almond milk and stevia; soy yogurt
Snack: soy joy bar
Lunch: chickpeas with barley (uncooked Sriracha made this so much better than last night's); red and yellow bell peppers; 2 clementines; piece dark chocolate with cherries
Dinner: huge salad with black beans, corn, avocado, cucumber and mango/peach salsa; 2 kiwi; strawberries

Yoga was tougher this morning, but I got there. I expect that Wednesday should be easier. Stay tuned.

Okay, here's the conundrum. When I got home tonight, everyone else was asleep already; through a note, I learned that my uncle is cooking dinner for us all tomorrow evening. From past experience, I know that he will have put a lot of effort into designing a menu that I can eat. The problem is-- I am only aware now that he has his whole menu planned out, and my uncle is operating from the old rules of how I eat. So he's hoping and planning for me to enjoy this crab boil tomorrow evening. Do I eat it, or not?

Trying to steel myself

I woke up very hungry this morning, which was a little bit of a problem because my day started with yoga-- and I can't eat for 2-3 hours before yoga. Translation: hungry Jessica, and 11:15 AM breakfast.

Other than the hunger, class was pretty good. I struggled a little bit, but only in the way I usually struggle with Bikram's. It is a constant effort for me to remember that I cannot ever be perfect at this practice; I am learning to let it be enough that I am there, and working to get better. The hardest part is that the 1 1/2 hour classes fit into my life at 6:00 AM on weekdays. Will someone please call me at 5:15 tomorrow morning and make sure I'm awake?!

Yoga combined with two days of veganism = HUGE headache all day today. My body is detoxing, thanks to the sweat of the yoga and the change in my diet. I'm hoping it goes away quickly, but I am trying to steel myself for a few more days of feeling gross (and possibly worse). Also, I refuse to modify my routine for detoxing; I should probably slow down and take it a little bit easier on myself.

Okay, food update:

Breakfast: english muffin with vegan margarine; blackberries; soy yogurt
Lunch: Un-BLT (whole wheat toast, tempeh fake-bacon, lettuce, tomato, vegan mayonnaise, avocado); red and yellow pepper strips; pineapple
Dinner: barley; chickpeas (cooked with cumin, smoked paprika, garlic and onion); garlic toast with margarine; green salad; strawberries; small piece dark chocolate with cherries; Pinot Noir
Snack: grapefruit; Whole Fruit bar; herbal tea

One funny note today: I bought a lot of bulk items at the grocery store last weekend. I've gotten pretty good about writing down the correct numbers so that the cashier can ring it up-- today's lesson, though, was that I should write down exactly what is in the bag, as well. Have you ever tried to distinguish between a bag a steel cut oats and a bag of barley? I'll admit, I spent more than five minutes trying to do just that tonight. :)

Sweet dreams, friends. Wish me luck, and let's hope tomorrow involves all of the following:

Yoga before work
Productivity at work
Finishing all of my homework during my lunch break
Class getting out early (I can hope, right?)

Having the option (and a confession)

I could easily get used to having weekends off. It's only been a few weeks, but I am already finding myself loath to make plans unless absolutely necessary. Today I slept in, then ate breakfast and made lunch to take with me. It wasn't that much work, but I took a lot of food with me-- I was worried about being out of the house and not having something safe with me in case I got hungry. It was needless, as I wasn't hungry. But still, I felt better having the option and not needing it than if I'd needed the food and not had it. This afternoon was the gym, then watching my sister and cousins make dinner. That last part was probably the highlight of my day. I've felt pretty good today; not deprived, and not craving anything in particular. I think the preparation is key to that, and as such Monday and Thursday will be my hardest days. I'll have to leave the house at 7:30 AM with all of my food for the day, because I don't come home until 10:00 PM. Keep your fingers crossed, please!

It's helpful to write down what I'm eating-- even more accountability, I think. Feel free to skip these updates, if they bore you. (But please keep reading; I need to know you're out there!)

Breakfast: whole wheat english muffin with vegan margarine and cherry preserves; banana; soy latte (with one pump mocha and three pumps dark cherry syrup)
Lunch: huge green salad topped with black beans, corn, cucumber and peach/mango salsa; handful Lays Waves potato chips; diet soda
Snack: soy yogurt; fruit leather strip; two clementines
Dinner: vegetarian fried rice; sauteed mushrooms; three vegetarian shu mai; sliced red and yellow bell peppers; kiwi; watermelon; Fat Tire and Abbey Ale
Snack: Healthy Pop Kettle Popcorn; strawberries; herbal tea

Confession: I sort of unintentionally cheated at dinner tonight. I had already put the shu mai in the microwave before realizing that there are egg whites in them. They were listed about 12th on the ingredient list, so I imagine there was only a small amount of egg whites in the three pieces that I ate-- but I felt it would be wasteful not to eat any of them.

I donated 74 pounds of food to the Foodbank this afternoon. In a way, that was validating in itself; after seeing how much food that was, I feel great about the 50 pounds of food that will be donated to them as I lose the weight. I also decided to go back and volunteer next weekend. It'll be mostly warehouse work, but I think it will help motivate me to be involved in the work they do.

On an opposing note, I weighed myself this morning. The number on the scale was ENORMOUSLY disappointing. While I am still vain enough that I'm not willing to post that number publicly, let's just say that 50 pounds is a low estimate for the weight I have to lose. :(

But, I will get there. Slow and steady wins the race, right?

More good news: I walked 11.11 miles this week. Tomorrow, back to yoga.

Unofficial first day

I just spent $226 at the grocery store-- but am now well-stocked on vegan condiments, nutritional yeast, various vitamins, plenty of whole grains and assorted snacks to take to school/work.

Today was an unofficial first day of sorts-- eating today was pretty great, especially since I hadn't planned on being intentionally vegan when I left the house this morning.

Breakfast: oatmeal with applesauce; coffee with almond milk and stevia; lemon-flavored yogurt; banana
Lunch: Kashi's Black Bean Mango meal; green salad with raspberry vinaigrette; sliced red and yellow peppers; grapefruit
Dinner: curried cauliflower and chickpeas; roasted parsnips, carrots, green beans and mushrooms; sauteed zucchini and mushrooms; Shiraz
Snack: Whole Fruit popsicle; blackberries; herbal tea

I feel as though I should eat something more; it seems unlikely that's actually enough calories for my body, but I'm not hungry. I'm sort of waiting for the cravings to hit-- I bought a lot more processed food today than I usually do, but I'm trying to take it easy on myself this first week or so. I guess we'll see.

Here we go, again.

I've made sweeping, huge changes in my life over the past few years-- I live 2,500 miles away from home, am now immersed in business school, and only work 40 hours per week for the first time in a VERY long while. Hopefully, I'm growing; certainly I am changing. But though I strongly believe growth comes firstly from acknowledging where we come from-- I have been convincing myself all day long to not go back and delete all of the 2007 postings on this blog.

So, intentionally quashing the urge-- what brings me back here? I need a place to be accountable; hopefully one or two of you will be out there, depending on me to live up to my goals. This morning, I committed to losing 50 pounds in the Pound for Pound Challenge. That's a big number, friends. I cannot remember the last time I intentionally lifted 50 pounds-- but that (and arguably more!) is the extra weight my body slogs around every day through my incredibly busy life. My feet (and joints, bones, etc) were not designed for that kind of abuse. And, admittedly, I LOVE the concept of the Challenge. I am counting on the RoadRunner Food Bank and the hungry folks they feed to provide my motivation through some of the difficult times.

I am not a dieter. Oh, I have tried to be-- many times, unfortunately. But I have learned the hard way: 1) I love food, 2) I do not deprive myself well-- I am learning to say no to myself, but I have a long way to go before I'm good at this task and 3) the majority of our "diets" are not healthy at all. Personally, I function much better when I'm able to come from a place of abundance-- pushing myself out of my comfort zone and exploring new flavors, tastes, and whole new foods. I love the playful, fun experience that comes from intentionally spending time in the kitchen. But like most people, I get busy, I have lazy days-- and I fall back on the old staples of my American diet: eggs, cheese, ice cream (my Achilles' heel!). Easy foods, yes; and dreadfully addicting. I love them dearly, and could never self-deny these things for eternity. At least I don't think I could.

Recently, though, I have been reading a lot about the health benefits (and weight loss!) of the vegan diet. I can't make the shift forever...yet. I can commit to a one-month challenge, though. So yes, I am off the dairy (eggs, ice cream, yogurt, cheese) for one full month, starting tomorrow. From what others say, the first week is likely to be awful. Please send good thoughts-- I am not often one to back down from a challenge, but it might be hairy for a while. Stay in touch, if you're out there-- I will need the support, I think.

Unintentionally, the last dairy I ate was a bland lemony yogurt with this morning's breakfast. Now, it feels like a wasted opportunity! Tonight (after the gym): grocery shopping and cleaning out the temptations in my kitchen. :)

Rustic, over and over

My father recently accused me of being too concerned with the presentation of a dish. He maintains that the appearance of food is significantly less important than the tase.

My father is wrong. (Sorry, Dad.) Great food is a sensory experience on every level. Taste is dependant on the olfactory sense; mouth-feel is an important factor in the eating process; we even enjoy the sounds our foods make (don't you love the crunch of breaking through an apple's crisp skin?). The visionary aspects of food are as important as any other-- not more important, but equally so.

That may be why I enjoy this galette so much. The flavors meld beautifully-- the sweetness of the caramelized squash plays on the onion's natural juices, and the soft warmth of the apple flows into the rich onion sugar. The crust is flakey, buttery and smooth. All told it makes for a savory delight-- hightened even more by the prettiness of the pattern: apple, onion, squash; apple, onion, squash. It's one I plan to repeat over and over.

gallette 1, originally uploaded by swirls & morsels.

Butternut Squash, Apple and Onion Galette
adapted from the Food Network Kitchens Cookbook

For the dough:
3/4 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 cup whole wheat flour
pinch salt
8 tbsp cold unsalted butter, diced
1 large egg, lightly beaten

For the filling:
1 large baking apple (I used Cortland)
1/2 medium butternut squash (about 3/4 pound), seeded but skin on
1 small yellow onion, peeled and root end trimmed (but intact)
3 tbsp unsalted butter, melted
2 tsp chopped fresh rosemary
2 tsp chopped fresh thyme
kosher salt and freshly ground pepper
2 tbsp whole-grain mustard
1/3 cup cheese (I've used crumbled gorgonzola and shredded cheddar here with equal success)

-- Mix flour and salt together. Add butter and combine with your hands-- this is similar to making a fruit crumble topping. When mixture resembles coarse cornmeal with a few bite-sized bits of butter, add the egg and mix well. Shape dough into a disc, wrap in plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least 1 hour.

-- Halve and core the apple. Cut each half into 8 equal-sized wedges and place in mixing bowl. Slice the squash and onion into similar sized pieces; add to mixing bowl. Add rosemary and thyme to melted butter-- toss gently with fruit to combine. Season with salt and pepper; toss again.

-- Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Roll the dough (on lightly floured surface) into a 12-inch disk. It does not need to be perfect-- galettes are supposed to be rustic. Transfer to a baking sheet and spread mustard around the galette-- leave a clean two inch border at the edges.

-- Starting at this 2 inch border, layer squash, apple and onion slices on top of each other, forming concentric circles-- if there are extra pieces, tuck them in where they look nice. This is not rocket science-- it's food. Make it look pretty if you can, but most importantly get all the good stuff in there!

-- Fold and pleat dough over the edges of the filling. Bake until the crust is golden brown (yes, it should look deeply browned in the oven) and the apple, squash and onions are tender and caramelized. This will take between 45 -- 55 minutes, depending on your oven. Scatter cheese over filling and bake until melted, about 5 minutes.

-- Cool the galette briefly on a wire rack. Cut into wedges and serve.